Too often I have heard and believe that God cannot love me, cannot REACH me, and certainly not accept me into His heaven realm while I accepted and acted on my sexuality.  Being a lesbian “automatically” expelled me from the Christian safety net.  My gay friends faced a similar fate.  And yet HETEROsexual sinners somehow received a special dispensation to avoid the firey hell created for sinners like me.

Or, to put it another way, the blood of Christ could cover ANY sin, EXCEPT homosexuality.  (This assumes, without argument, that homosexuality IS a sin.)  I am not comfortable with that truth.  Because either Jesus died for ALL sin, or we believe in vain.  And I believe I am indirectly quoting Paul…….

“Now, brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.”  1 Cor 15:1-2

If you found this blog because you are LGBT – whether out or in the closet – and you believe you can’t hold onto your faith in Jesus Christ, welcome!  KNOW that Jesus does NOT condemn you!  I have shared some of my struggles here on this site, but I now live out and sit in full hope and ASSURANCE that I am saved by the Grace of Jesus Christ and that is ENOUGH!

For more info, check out The Bible and Homosexuality or see Shaw Ministries.

If today were my last day……what would I do differently?

Would I seek the love I yearn for? Would I share my feelings to those that mattered? Would I honestly ask myself what I (yes, ME) really wanted in life? Would I take the chance of being honest with all and not fear the consequences of my openness? Would I face my Christian faith, and truly trust my Lord to love me unconditionally? Would I trust myself to love me as well?

Sitting at dinner last night, I was on the patio watching cars drive by. Thoughts of just getting in my car and driving – going until I was far away – soothed my anxious heart. If only, yet what if today were my last? Part of me smiles at the comfort of knowing my pain would not continue. But what of ME? Why am I lost so suddenly? Or have I been lost all along? Why am I so good at fooling myself? At fooling others? Why do I enter into the same pattern, over and over, with different faces? Why have I failed myself yet again? Or have I?

If today were the last day I lived……I would want to be selfish. I want to do what I want……what I need. Why does that sound so horrible? What of those I am responsible for? What of those I owe so much to???? Ah, but that is for other days, not today. Why can’t I be honest and seek what I need? Today, if it were the last day I lived, I would fight for me. And perhaps I would end my days feeling selfish and self-centered, but I would be truly honest…….perhaps for the first time in my life.

Add that to the topics I must discuss with my therapist.

And why do I love those I must not? Why do I seek comfort in a face that cannot help? Why can’t I just…….stop my mind from tormenting me? Maybe the truth is this – I don’t deserve to be happy.

Freak, I am very off topic now. And yet, the digression shows the truth of the matter. Happiness is beyond my reach, even today. And the truth of the matter is, I know it cannot change. I have been created in such a way that I should not have what I want, I cannot have what I yearn for. Whose fault is it? No one’s, really. It is just the fact of the matter, although facts are not very soothing, now, are they?

If I were heterosexual, would it be easier? Could I say, “I am mad about you?” and at least get it out of my system? I have loved men who knew of my love, and yet I could not possess them solely. But I could articulate my yearning and desire. But even then, the love was something that helped convince myself that I was not a lesbian, real as the sentiments were. What I now desire, cannot ever be articulated. And it haunts me beyond words and I cannot shake it from my being. I can’t wait to share this feeling of impotence with my therapist. How cruel is my very being. My desires, so wrong yet so real, drawing me to a world that fights the very core of who I am. And it is no one’s fault that I am this way – that I love and desire as I do. But it’s real, this wall that is around me. Why can’t I turn it off? I can’t. I am prisoner to my heart and my heart cannot change how it feels, even though it knows it will never be fulfilled.

But if I knew I were dying, could I share the truth?

No, I could not. And, even with my promise to be selfish, love cannot – must not – do that. The burden is too heavy.

But one thing I HAVEN’T forgotten, and taken from my good friend Shaw of Shaw Ministries, God Accepts You!  So if you are a lesbian who has walked from your faith, or if you never HAD faith because you figured that wouldn’t work due to your sexuality, FORGET ABOUT IT!  God loves you and wants you to have a relationship with Him!

More to come……

But this didn’t mean it was all easy for me. The shame, the guilt, the way my feelings fought against my religious beliefs tore me apart. I could not reconcile them completely. I would look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge – yes, I think I love her – but then see the shame there as well……as if my honesty did not deny the fact that I was still messed up wrong for my feelings.

Making matters worse, I felt as though I was lying to my now very close friend, for I was deeply in love with her. How could I go on hanging with her and what not, and not share this fact with her? But the truth has its own consequences, and telling a woman from a conservative (very!) Christian background that I am in love with her had the makings of a very poor ending. I imagined her being shocked, disgusted, and ending our relationship – or even telling others. I mean, I thought I was disgusting, so why would I expect anything less from her?

But then life got a bit more involved. It was near Easter, and my friend was over meeting my kids and helping with coloring eggs and other innocent things. I am not positive about the day of the week (Saturday I think), but I clearly remember the call – the sound of the phone ringing, it being handed to me, hearing my brother’s wife telling me that my brother needed me, not understanding the other words. Asking questions, and realizing my 20-year-old nephew had been killed in a car accident that day and my brother needed me. I left immediately, shocked and sad by the news, but already thinking and praying for strength to help my brother through this horrible time.

Driving home from my brother’s later that night – near or after midnight – I hit a wall. I knew my husband would not be able or even willing to help ME through the pain I was feeling. I started feeling sorry for myself – why was it that I was the strong one for everyone, and yet I had no one to be strong for me? So it was with this pain and pitifulness that I called my friend. I was surprised she was still awake, but even with the lateness of the hour, she said I could swing by. I knew she would be compassionate, would comfort my pain, would allow me to be weak for a small moment of time. And you know what? She did, and it was a glorious feeling – one that I couldn’t remember having ever felt before quite so strongly. And maybe that’s why I had the urge – and strength – to be totally honest with her about my feelings.

It seems weird now to recall this moment in time. I hadn’t planned for it to happen. Looking back, it really seems I had guts to go forward with the truth, especially when I had just begun sharing these feelings with myself a short time before. But it wasn’t guts really – it was the circumstances that got me there. I didn’t go to her house to tell her of my love, but it ended up that way. And she was responsive! Oh my word, could this be happening? She didn’t scream or get grossed out or tell me I was going to hell? What is this?!?!!?!

But it didn’t stay that way. As my words of love settled in, and the fact that she did not become repulsed by them, soon caused her to sob in pain. My heart broke, the moment ended, and I realized all my fears were happening. What HAVE I done?!?!!?! I have acted out on my inner feelings and now my entire life – and the one friend that I cherished the most – was going to be ruined. I remember saying sorry a billion times, not cryng because I was back in my “be strong” mode, and leaving her like that. I remember walking out in the morning light, sobbing harder than I have ever done in my life, and realizing that I was horrible. Horrible for loving a woman, horrible for making her sob, horrible across the board. I thought about driving until my car ran out of gas, just driving and driving and pretending I could drive out of my life, but then I remembered my kids, and my desperately hurt brother. He needed to go to his ex-wife’s house and the realization that my nephew had died reminded me about my duties.

I drove home, took a shower, and began to leave to pick up my brother and drive him to Wrightwood. I was horribly tired – physically and emotionally – and stopped at Starbucks. At this time either I called my friend or she called me, can’t remember. During the conversation I remember feeling so badly and apologizing again, hoping we could stay friends. She noted that she loved me and my heart sang – there was hope! And she didn’t want to lose me – as long as we never acted on our love. I was SO RELIEVED that I agreed and had the strength to go into one of the hardest days I have faced during my life, and I will always appreciate that.

To be continued.

When I was young – 12 and under – I was different than a lot of my contemporaries. I was a total tomboy, very good at sports, but yet I refused to cut my hair because I didn’t want anyone to this I was a BOY! I did not want to be a boy – I wanted to be me, a girl – a tomboy. I liked girl things – I had a stuffed lamb that I adored, I cared for animals, liked to cook……but I wasn’t like the girls that were my friends. I felt……like I had to defend myself from them. I resonated more with the boys and their sports and their thoughts…yet, I didn’t want to be LIKE them. And this began the realization that I was somehow different.

I was a good kid, though. I was super respectful to authorities, extra kind to adults – especially the elder. I was ultra-sensitive to the underdog, even the street bully (who was my personal nemesis as we clashed with each other every summer throughout the years) whom I stuck up for when I felt she was being picked on by an unfair amount of people. I took my share of bruises by defending the underdog, including my present grey front tooth for taking a punch in the mouth protecting my little brother. And I LOVED my brother – as much as he bugged me and nerded me out with his lack of athletic ability and his introvertedness. But I loved him and I understood him a bit more……but yet, I was not like him. And I was NEVER like my older sister – so foo foo and into crafts and dresses and painting. But at this time, with my long hair and loyalty, seemed to manage life pretty well.

But then it got more complicated. I moved from my hometown and entered junior high – a tough place for any person to be – not just someone who had this sense that she was different and couldn’t quite nail it down. I was morbidly thin – no curves to my name – yet my jovial personality won so many over – including boys. I liked the attention I got and did not lack pursuers. I excelled in sports as well and did well academically. Yet the sense that something was wrong with me intensified. The differences I felt towards my contemporaries – girls – seems to become more pronounced, and that bothered me. Without realizing it, I decided I needed to morph into what my friends were…..act more like them. For the first time in my life, I began to mimic those around me – wear clothes I detested and squealed at things that, in the past, I would just handle (like spiders or opening the door for someone or other things that even today I can’t pinpoint).

I can’t tell you for certain when I realized that I was attracted to women. I can’t for certain tell you when I first felt the anguish and deterrence from this revelation. I can’t give you the scenario that made me realize that I had to run from the fact I could be a lesbian – but it happened. And when it did, I hated myself. I fought myself. I denied myself better than anyone in the world. I had guys after me! They wanted to kiss me and touch me, and it didn’t gross me out! I couldn’t be a lesbian! I wanted to have SEX with them! Yet, deep down, I didn’t resonate with them. I didn’t DESIRE them. Ramblings of thoughts, dipped in anguish, followed me wherever I went.

Fast forward to my 16th year, maybe I was almost 17. I will tell you now, I was crushing on a girl big time. Well, I didn’t realize that then, but I idolized this girl for sure. She was everything I wasn’t – girly NATURALLY, very pretty, shy and introverted, and had a quiet peace about her that I yearned for. She invited me to church, and probably more because I was always so excited to be around her (in my innocent way), I accepted. This lead me to a church that exposed me to Christ in a very different way, and I realized I needed Him more than anything in my life. I truly still believe that and thank this girl for this moment in time when I received Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. I love this part of my life and the love He provides to me. Yet with it came confusion. Partly because this girl – who now I can admit completely that I crushed on – had a mother who accused us of having a lesbian relationship. We did NOT have this at all, but I realized that she was reacting to my unspoken (and, truly, unformed) desires for my friend. And as a new Christian, I KNEW this was a big problem. We easily denied the accusations because, truly, we didn’t have that kind of relationship. But deep inside the first clear understandings of my desires – and the related shame for them – began to solidify in my heart.

This began my prayers in earnest – change me Lord! Take this sin out of my life. Restore me to the person I was supposed to be! Save me from my flesh, from my mind, from my emotions! Do this for me, the one who needs you so much! THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

And yet, day after day, I fought these desires – this wiring, as it were – and I resented myself DESPISED myself, and the shame and denial continued. Maybe that’s why I married so young – maybe that’s why I ended up with a man who was so miserably prepared to be a husband in his own right, but worse for wear because of my own issues. Maybe that’s why my children – whom I love beyond measure – didn’t fix the pain and shame that I would see everyday as I looked myself in the mirror and knew my whole entire life was a lie. That the sin I was fighting was there right with me – WAS ME – and no amount of play acting or denial or feelings of disgust or shame could change the fact that I was, no, I AM as lesbian.

Add the years, repeat the above over and over, increase the self hatred at one point where I tried to kill myself, and then moments when I found some sense of contentment because I thought I had beat “this thing”. Yet my eyes did not lie. My heart did not lie.

So when I took the chance – the first time ever – to admitted to myself I liked a woman more than a friend, it was intense. I hated myself, truly. Yet, I felt a sense of freedom in the fact that I was being honest for the first time. Mixed emotions, for sure.

So, if this is truly a “secular site”, why ignore gays and lesbians in the first place?  The biggest argument made by Warren is this:  “… same-sex marriage is illegal in most states. “We don’t really want to participate in something that’s illegal.” Oh, wait…..I didn’t realize that heterosexuals using the site were required to get married?  Is that true???  Do you have to click on a little button that says, “By using this site, you promise that you will marry whoever you meet.”  I think not.

This sort of crap is what bothers me the most.  I affirm a person’s right to have their beliefs in their personal lives as well as their business lives.  However, at least have the fortitude enough to admit when you are excluding a portion of the population and give a better reason!  IF eHarmony REQUIRED their members to ultimately marry each other in order to participate, then in fact the site would be legally bound to exclude gays and lesbians…..for currently, only one state legally recognizes their right to marry.  Otherwise, stop the crap Mr. Warren!  And I am glad that it took a gay man suing your butt to make you change your ways.

For my gay and lesbian friends who are looking for that special someone and want to use the internet, I recommend a non-Warren site…..any site.  Match.com, Chemistry.com…….

I do not know Ted Haggard and am not really able to share about his specific struggles, whether or not he has “beat” this homosexual thing, or even if he has a right to have an HBO Documentary or anything else.  What I CAN comment on is that, unfortunately, the Evangelical world is a pressure cooker for Christians who question their sexuality.  Apparently, this cooking is even stronger for pastors of mega churches!

While I am a stickler for religious freedom – and other constitutional rights afforded to citizens of this country – it bothers me that churches often manifest authority that are misplaced.  While I do not begrudge Haggard’s church for removing him from the pulpit (hey, I understand that his actions did not meet the Biblical requirement for leading a church, and my view is more related to the fact that he committed adultery, NOT that he is homosexual…..but I respect churches that state they do not accept leaders that are homosexual as that is their right), I am angry that the church went on to put rules on Haggard’s very life.  For example, he was forced to leave the Colorado Springs area and also to be counseled by several Evangelical leaders.

I disclaim here that I am jaded due to the own handling of Christian leaders and my sexuality.  However, what right does a church have in demanding someone leave their home, their city, or their state?  Here is why I believe it was required – Haggard had created this amazingly huge church, which he started in his home 20 years before.  He obviously had charisma and talent to do that, no matter if you appreciate that or not.  I believe the church didn’t want to lose their bread and butter, through tithes from their congregation, and if Haggard stayed in the area many might follow him if he decided to start a new church.

Tell me, is that concern for the flock or concern for MONEY?!

I know that the church paid Haggard a severance package, but PA-LEASE, I still maintain it was a pay off to save their own income stream.  While I think any church has to focus on the business aspects related to their income and expenses, PLEASE be honest about it and don’t claim that it was because Haggard was going to ruin all those innocent and naive Christians in his church!

But more importantly, let’s consider his life!  Here he is, having gone through intense counseling with the Evangelical leaders that basically said “you can’t be gay”, even giving him polygraph tests, and who even knows if they are professional psychologists or doctors?  Haggard got tired of that, left the group, and went instead to Christian professionals.  Even still, and under what I assume was pressure by the Evangelical world to become “normal”, cannot state definitively that he is heterosexual.

Okay, so I have heard that we all have crosses to bear, that we all have struggles that we need to fight.  Paul himself in the Bible makes this type of reference.  I agree with that; we get angry, mislead people, are gluttons, are selfish, do not seek to love others, are carnal…..the list goes on.  And I agree, we should fight these parts of us.  But, as you’ve probably noticed on this blog, I get utterly irritated that the aforementioned areas are accepted as part of our broken nature and we are encouraged to grow and accepted for our failures by our Christians brothers and sisters.  Yet, bring in the h-bomb of homosexuality and it is immediately treated as repugnant, impossible, and related to horrible areas of the human world such as pedophilia, bestiality, etc.  Instead, I propose the Evangelical area start realizing that homosexuality is not a choice (at least, for the majority of us), that it is inherently US, and your pressures and judgements create these non-humans who feel inadequate and broken.  I suggest that this is where Haggard is based on his inability to even define his sexuality.

And that, blog readers, is horrible!

So, it’s with this background that I read this article about restorative conversions for gays and lesbians.  I do not suggest that some have and will go to these sort of ministries and “turn” heterosexual.  Quite frankly, there was a time in my life when I viewed myself as a freak, and anything that would give me the tools to fight who I really was would have been readily accepted.  I truly felt I was broken…….WRONG!  So, with that paradigm, I can see many seeking and receiving this treatment and finding comfort and success.  And for those who do, I commend you and pray that you find the happiness you have been seeking your entire lives.

But here is the deal with me……I have broken through the turmoil of looking at myself as a broken, horrible person because of who I am.  Whether or not others accept this is now less important to me.  I have learned, through horrible pain and loss of friends AND my job, that if others don’t accept ME, then it is their loss.  I have determined it is much better to be HONEST, to myself and others, about ME, than to try to spend every moment of my life acting…..presenting myself…..in an image they would prefer to see.  I mean, really, my Christian faith is all about transparency and honesty, and yet that same religion indirectly (well, directly at times, as well) conditioned me to lie and present the “sinless being” to all around…..

And that is my biggest concern with these sort of programs.  First, they clearly establish that being a homosexual is WRONG, so wrong that these ministries do nothing but save people from it!  The article mentions this as well – if someone like me already feels horrible and worthless for being homosexual (based on their faith, their family, their culture), this program feeds off of it.  The “therapy” involved adds to this belief in the process of “changing” the person into a “better” person, aka non-homosexual.  Nevermind that psychologists say this can cause more damage than leaving them alone!

Secondly, what if the program fails?  The people involved admit this is the case on occassion, and I am not surprised.  Again, I spend the majority of my life fighting against who I am, put all I had into it, and relied of my God to change me.  For years I berated myself because I hadn’t changed, hadn’t become what others wanted me to be, I was forced to lie to everyone around me to be accepted.  The pain and guilt involved drove me to horrible thoughts of desperation, even of suicide.  My concern is that many might feel these thoughts when they have the final hope of being changed, only to realize it cannot be.

But even worse than that, what about those who DO “change”?  Are they really changed, or are they given better “behaviors” to deal with their sexual orientation?  I don’t know how these ministries work, but what if this is the case?  Long term, what is being done to these people?  I, for one, never want to live a lie again…….

My years of Christian faith does push me to add something, though.  I do believe in the power of God, the miracles of the Holy Spirit, and know God can and does do amazing things.  This post does not suggest God could not change me or anyone else if He sees fit.  But, for me, I KNOW something for sure – God loves me unconditionally, whether or not my life is a sin (which it is, apart from my sexual orientation).  He is the righteousness in my life, not me.  I have accepted Him as my Savior, and He has done the work.  I will do my best to honor Him with my life as I attempt to be honest, sincere, and transparent.  As I yearn to love my neighbors and encourage others.  And I will do that even if those around me do not change…….

However, I wanted to quickly post some positives.  This article shares some promising news for the LGBT community, at least in California.  And this article shares protection at the Federal level.    And whether or not you like Jerry Brown, he is doing this to Prop 8.  So I guess I can get my butt back to writing on this blog!